THROWBACK: Episode #1: Building a Happy Life & Finding your F*ckyeah, with Alexis Rockley

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Good day all!!! I am taking a break from recording new episodes. In the meantime I shall bestow upon you past episodes the Spirit gives me to give to you.
Building a Happy Life & Finding your F*ckyeah, with Alexis RockleyWhen Alexis Rockley was 28, she had everything she could ever want. She had the job of her dreams, the perfect apartment, a great romantic relationship. Her work gave her the chance to be creative, and she was constantly being praised and promoted. There was nothing more she could have possibly asked for and yet–she was unhappy.

She called it a “quarter life crisis.” She was unfulfilled, largely because she was relying on her work for happiness. She couldn’t live independently of her job...and didn’t know who she was without it. This crisis caused her to question the way we postulate happiness to young folks nowadays. We give them the tools we think they need to be happy, like finding their purpose, working hard, meeting goals and marking achievements. However, Alexis realized this model just doesn’t work.

So she set out to see what true happiness is made of, becoming a researcher of positive psychology. Her research uncovered a nuanced positive feeling, one she couldn’t quite define, so she settled on calling it “fuckyeah.” Her book is called Find Your F*ckyeah: Stop Censoring Who You Are and Discover What You Really Want.

Everything You Know About Self-Care is Wrong
One concept Alexis kept bumping into when doing her research was the problematic nature of what we call “self-care.” Self-care is the idea of encouraging ourselves to spend a day taking a bubble bath, ordering dessert, and doing pilates after a long week of work. While the idea of taking time for oneself is not inherently troublesome, Alexis believes the culture of self-care is jacked-up. She says it exists as the other side of the “hustle culture” coin, the toxic way we encourage ourselves to become overworked.

To Alexis, self-care culture feels like another way capitalist society keeps us on a hamster wheel. Approaching self-care as a part of a bullshit checklist makes us feel as though it’s our own fault we’re not booking enough yoga sessions and beach days to counterbalance an overworked and restless life. Approaching self-maintenance with a short term view will only lead to more burnout. Alexis tells me, we have to look at self-care in the long term by making lifestyle changes that will lead to lasting happiness.

Building a Happy Life #1: The Right People
So how can you build a happy life in the long term? One of the first steps Alexis outlines is finding the right group of people to surround yourself with. I know from my own experience that the right group might not be the one you’re born into. In this episode, I discuss how many folks in the LGBTQ+ community find themselves kicked out of their homes or, in my case, their church. Commonly, queer people have to find their own family among one another. Whoever you choose to be in your community, they should be supportive of you as you grow and change.
Building a Happy Life #2: F*ck Flawless
Another step to building a happy life is to ditch perfectionism. Alexis gives us an example of this method from her design career. When designing a floor plan for a client, she drafted, redrafted...and redrafted some more, unable to settle on the perfect design.

Suddenly, she found herself staring down the deadline. The new furniture was supposed to go out tomorrow––and she hadn’t placed a single piece anywhere on her plans. This story teaches us that if we’re too obsessed with doing everythin

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