With His History of Dishonesty, Should I Just Trust that my Partner’s Relationship with an Attractive Coworker is “All Business”?

Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE

In Episode 245, Mark & Steve respond to an all–too–common, legitimate struggle faced by the betrayed partners of sex/porn addicts. Here's a submission from a partner—
My husband is starting a new position within his company where he will be working very closely with this woman. She is highly attractive, and the only female in the male dominated company they work in. He has admitted a few times that “_______” is beautiful, smart and is going to go far in the company. While I have never been concerned he’s going to cheat on me, with her or anyone else, I have a lot of mixed feelings about them working so close together. I’m scared that he is fantasizing about her, masturbating to her and lying to me about it. Like he has lied to me about everything else so far. I asked him bluntly and he laughed at me and told me that “he only has eyes for me—obviously, we’re married!” He has some pretty obvious “tells” when he is lying and I’m almost certain he is in this case. How can I, as the spouse, learn to (I guess) just be okay with it and trust that work relationships are just that, work relationships?

• A History of Lying and Betrayal trauma trigger MANY symptoms for a partner that are understandable, legitimate and CRAZY HARD!
  • “Like he has lied to me about everything else so far”
    • Hypervigilance, seeking for guarantees, feelings of competition/comparison, doubting her intuition/gut, exhausted by his gaslighting, etc
  • She has every right to be skeptical, guarded and suspicious.
  • “How can I, as the spouse, learn to (I guess) just be okay with it and trust that work relationships are just that, work relationships?”
    • You shouldn’t.
• These concerns need to be TRANSPARENTLY EXPLORED, THOUGHT OUT, and SHARED with him.
  • In whatever way/medium is safe for her.
  • He needs to access resources and/or skills (as needed) to be able to HEAR, PROCESS, CONNECT WITH, and VALIDATE her concerns in a vulnerable way.
    • Connecting with/utilizing a support group, therapist, sponsor, daily renewal partner, journaling, etc
    • This happens ideally not just in the moment (trigger management), but also is cultivated in advance (self-care routines)
• Situations like this point towards the “bigger issues” within the relationship
  • Lack of trust
  • Lack of safety
  • (potentially) lack of dialogue
  • Lack of collaboration
• For the partner, FINDING YOUR AUTHENTIC VOICE is something to grow in terms of skillset and practice:
  • Discovering the authentic self
  • Setting boundaries
  • Setting and holding consequences to preserve safety and authenticity
  • How can you “know” what he’s doing or not doing?
• How to begin addressing this as a coupleship—
  • Get comfortable with the uncomfortable
  • Practice via daily check-in’s
  • Couples therapy
  • Programs like D2C

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/my-porn-addicted-partner-has-adhd-he-insists-i-must-manage-his-recovery-for-him-to-succeed-is-this
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services