Hurry Up and Wait

Come Here To Me: Relationship Experts Walk the Talk

Figs and Teale share a session digging into a recurring negative cycle triggered by waiting and discuss the difference between vulnerable or "Primary" feelings and "Secondary" blaming reactions and how even the littlest of things can have a big impact.

Timestamps:

00:00 Teaser

01:06 Chit-chat, "This couples counseling thing is really good for us."

02:10 Introduction to session — The hurt behind the negative cycle

04:33 Teale's example: The Pursuer / Relentless Lover's perspective

05:56 The Withdrawer / Reluctant Lover's perspective

06:39 Negative infinity loop

07:14 Understanding "Primary" and "Secondary"

09:30 Finding the primary within Teale's example

10:51 Session begins — "We can get in a cycle"

10:59 Habits: Figs gives himself extra time, Teale fits in as much as she can

11:56 Top of cycle: Figs feels let down when by Teale's style of task/time management

13:13 Teale describes becoming defensive, pissed off in turn

14:54 Teale describes how she eventually shifts into placating Figs

16:57 Figs feels like he's overly sensitive — exploring waiting and overwhelm

18:56 Top of the cycle recap: Figs feels alone and blames Teale, Teale defends herself

19:21 The deeper rounds: Figs feels self-protective

20:28 "Legit" Statistic: Teale initiates repair 99.99% of the time

20:46 Relationship shift: "Teale will tell me all the possible things I will do to make things better and how none of them will work."

21:53 Figs feels even more trapped

22:54 Going to Alaska: Figs is inclined to stay in disconnection because of feelings of unworthiness

24:39 Teale feels frustrated and alone when Figs pulls away

26:48 Figs feels he gets in trouble when he thinks he's "the good one" and says so, but Teale is so far above Figs when she's the good one he doesn't know where to go

27:36 Teale's vulnerable / connected moment during yesterday's conflict

29:45 Teale feels she's pulling from a depleted well to be able to repair

31:53 Teale has a story inside of, "All men have hurt me"

33:02 Seeing her side of the dance — when she has a part of it and when she doesn't

34:00 Connecting with each other in a Primary way, Figs is in and above the process

35:36 Session ends — Studying their own negative interactionary cycle, Primary and Secondary

36:52 Being in the process vs the solution

38:30 It's gonna be messy, and that's okay

40:02 Summarizing the cycle

42:58 Figs' takeaway: Even little things touch big feelings inside

45:42 Goodbyes — keep fighting the good fight!

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If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for quizzes, courses, and consultations.

If you or someone you love are struggling in your relationship, visit empathi.com for the relationship quiz, courses, and therapy consultations.