Space Camp: It‘s Hard to Imagine that Worse Things Have Happened to NASA

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Are you ready to blast off into outer space for a rip-roaring adventure that’s out of this galaxy? Setting your phasers to stun...ning acting and character development, resulting in roles you actually care about and are emotionally invested in? Initiating warp speed to get through every moment of a well-written and even better paced story with depth and memorable moments? Well, Return of the Jedi was three years earlier than whatever this abomination of a film is trying to be, so you might want to break out your trilogy DVDs, toss on that abandoned Chewbacca hoodie you left in your dog’s crate as a blanket, and cry yourself to sleep, because this ride is going to burn you up on reentry.

This week’s movie is Space Camp. You probably don’t remember it, most likely because your mind has erased the memory to protect your fragile psyche. All of the ingredients of a solid movie are there - brilliant kids attending NASA space camp, a plucky robot sidekick, and a space walk to remember. But just like every meal that Benny tries to cook for his ungrateful family, the ingredients don’t work if you literally poop them onto a tray without any strategy or care. Honestly, we don’t even have the heart to write some elaborate description of this one. It just hurts.

And to think...we always thought the Challenger incident was the worst look NASA could wear. Woof.

Let’s all chant “don’t choose any more movies that only Jay watched” while we discuss such galactic topics as:

• Did you know that, before knocking it out of the park in roles like in The Joker and Gladiator, Joaquin Phoenix used to be a human child? And a garbage actor at that?
• The main characters of this movie might as well have been copied out of a cliché textbook; hot brainy chick, strong ambitious woman ready to learn humility, brilliant practical guy who is always second guessed, and carefree loner who has to learn how to be a leader. And by copy, we mean badly scribbled in crayon
• We both relate to the Rudy character...we all adore science, but don’t have the brains for it. That’s why Benny majored in ancient fart jokes for his undergrad. Student loans well spent!
• Little Phoenix thinks that the world is Star Wars and he’s Luke Skywalker. That is until the loner/leader rips his heart out and craps all over it
• The robot...we don’t have adequate words to express how annoying and bizarre the robot is. Equally baffling is the complete indifference all characters have to what amounts to sentient AI
• In order to get little Phoenix into space, the robot causes a space shuttle error during a test firing that only has “full and complete launch into outer space” as the solution. This sounds like a bit of a design flaw
• For all our complaining, some of the NASA scenes make us feel like giddy kids all over again. Seeing teams of scientists scramble to solve problems with cool and calm, right down to communication and reentry windows reminds us of just how incredible our journey into the stars has been
• Space Camp continues the baffling 80’s tradition of ending a movie with absolutely zero closure or coherence - simply some stock footage and an abrupt credit role