Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins and Ends - Thank Goodness

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Is it an homage to classic 70’s kung-fu movies, complete with an old master teaching a young and impatient prodigy the mystic and ancient ways of combat? Perhaps it’s a tongue-in-cheek popcorn action movie, poking fun at itself while projecting chaotic and entertaining action sequences with reckless abandon? Or is it a poignant commentary on shadow organizations and the futility - and risks - of embracing an assassinate evil policy to address the world’s issues? Well, your guess is as good as ours, and we’re pretty sure the people who made this movie didn’t know either. Just like the pile of vomit Benny’s dog helpfully deposits on the one patch of carpeted floor in the house every week, Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins is a jumbled patty of everything mentioned here - vomit included.

Hold on to Ferris wheels, steel pipes hanging off the side of the Statue of Liberty, and any other ridiculous object you can grasp as we try our best to understand what the hell is going on in this movie. We’re pretty sure Remo Williams was supposed to cash in on all of the crazy action movies tearing up the box office at the time, but fell victim to a combination of starring someone no one has ever heard of before (or after), and being absolutely bonkers-level insane. Seriously, we have no idea what happened in this thing, or why, or how. We just know that it was two hours of absolute insanity. And not good insanity, like a pile of puppies all fighting to give you kisses. We’re talking bad insanity, like when you drop napalm-quality farts in the car, and secretly lock the windows so you can revel in your family members crying, frantically fumbling with buttons, and dry heaving uncontrollably. Happy summer!

If you can stomach it, strap in while Jay and Benny waste your time discussing such things as:

• Remo’s elderly Asian instructor wasn’t played by an Asian person. Let’s just get that out of the way
• Remo Williams won an actual, for real Oscar for makeup, because of the work done to make someone non-Asian look Asian. We’ll get that out of the way as well
• One final thing to get out of the way: Chiun is far and away the best character in this movie, and almost makes it worth the watch. Joel Grey’s acting is fantastic, the lines he delivers are well-timed, and he’s the most likeable person in this entire disaster
• While completely unintentional, this movie does a great job making the audience really think about the implications of assassination. Killing off the world’s worst people sounds great in theory, but is it?
• Remo’s training throughout the movie feels like it’s less martial arts, and more a mix of goofy parkour and kids on YouTube risking their lives for a few likes
• At one point, the bad guys pay three random construction workers $20 each to literally murder a human being. And they have absolutely no problem with this arrangement
• Remember in The Matrix, when Neo dodged bullets and it was the coolest thing you had ever seen? Well, Remo dodges bullets as well. It is absolutely not the coolest thing you have ever seen
• Someone get me the name of the dog trainer used in this movie, because the guard dogs that attack Remo are smarter than Benny. That isn’t saying much, but still
• Fred Ward, who played Remo, has a filmography with Tremors and Joe Dirt at the top of it. Just saying