596. The Idol In the Mirror, Julie Harwick

Women World Leaders' Podcast

As women we face tremendous pressure from society to look a certain way. Our culture compels us to go all in, pursuing youth, beauty and fitness with everything that we have. But isn’t that the kind of single-minded focus that should be reserved for God alone? Join host Julie Harwick as she explores this important topic.

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Welcome to Women World Leaders podcast. I’m your host, Julie Harwick. Thank you for joining me today as we celebrate God’s grace in our lives, in this ministry and around the world.

They say confession is good for the soul. And the Bible tells us in the book of James that we should confess our sins one to another. God has been convicting me heavily in recent weeks and months, so I’ll come clean and make my confession. I have been worshipping an idol, not of wood or stone, but an image, just the same…the image I see in the mirror.

I have devoted innumerable hours to grooming and looking at that image, thinking about how I could make it look better, thinner, younger, reading anything that might help me in that pursuit, altering what I eat, when I eat, how I exercise and how I dress. I’ve sacrificed financially to pay for diet plans, gym memberships and beauty products that claim to eliminate wrinkles or just make me look better. I tried to convince myself that these efforts were directed at caring for the temple that God gave me. After all, He says in 1 Corinthians 6:19 “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you.” But the truth is that such justification would be taking the verse out of context and ignoring the remainder of it, which says, “You are not your own. For you were bought with a price, therefore glorify God in your body.” All the thoughts I was dwelling on, the actions I was taking, the money I was spending…it wasn’t to glorify God. It was to glorify me.

I seriously doubt that there’s a woman alive, and not a whole lot of men either, who can’t identify at all with what I’m talking about. But just in case you don’t recognize anything like this in yourself, let me explain how I got here. I had loving, supportive parents, no childhood traumas; and yet, I began thinking about how my appearance compared to other girls my age in elementary school. I remember getting a pamphlet in gym class about health and nutrition and it showed how much a girl should weigh according to her height. I dug it out and referred to it time and again over the years to see if I was where I should be. I went through a “chubby stage” when I was about 10 and had the misfortune of having a naturally slender cousin exactly my age. At family gatherings, people who hadn’t seen us for a while noticed the differences. One uncle actually gave us the nicknames of “Chubby” and “Slim.” When puberty hit at age 11, the chubbiness disappeared without any effort on my part. While I was thrilled with my thinner frame, I had a whole new set of concerns. Once again, I wasn’t like the other girls my age. I needed a bra and deodorant and when my friends found out, they teased me about it. I spent all of fifth grade desperately trying to hide my developing figure and hoping that it would begin to happen to the girls around me…and soon!

The summer before 8th grade, something made me think that I could stand to lose some weight. It’s entirely possible that I came to that conclusion after thumbing through my older sister’s teen magazine, “Seventeen “ which was full of articles and tips on diet and exercise. As much as I hated running, I forced myself to run around our circular driveway 13 times each day – the equivalent of a mile. When I got hungry between meals, I ate raw cucumbers, a whole cucumber at a time, right out of our garden. I managed to maintain the appropriate weight, according to that pamphlet I got in elementary school, all through high school, but I was still self-conscious about having heavier legs. When I was wearing shorts and sitting next to my boyfriend at age 16, I remember noticing that his legs were thinner than mine. That began a lifelong quest to somehow make them smaller.

Each new life change offered a new challenge to keep my body looking the way I wanted it to look. When I went away to college, cafeteria food caused me to put on a few pounds, so I added more exercise and a diet. When I got married, I unconsciously began eating just as much as my husband, who was twice my size, and once again the number on the scale went up. I started counting calories and intensifying my workouts. When I got pregnant with twins I didn’t allow myself to eat for three and I walked for exercise every day without fail. Because of my work situation, I didn’t want my boss to know I was pregnant and I took great pride in being able to hide the pregnancy for the first five months. But my pride balloon popped in my eighth month when I became so big, I couldn’t even fit into my husband’s large-sized t-shirts. I was so relieved when my girls were born and I dropped 30 lbs. in one day. But those good feelings were dashed when on the very day I left the hospital someone asked when I was due.

I was constantly comparing myself to other women and scrutinizing my image in the mirror. When my weight was up, I would sometimes try on three different outfits before I could find one that I thought was acceptable. When I was losing weight, I could spend an hour trying on clothes that had been too tight – just to see how well I was doing. The smaller the size, the more of a high I experienced. My self-esteem was directly related to how my clothes fit.

As I moved into my forties, the methods that had always enabled me to control my body size stopped working as well as they used to. I had to work harder at it. I got a gym membership and started lifting heavier. I tried diet after diet looking for the one that would finally get me to a weight that would make me pleased with what I saw in the mirror. With a medically supervised diet, I was able to make it a pound or two below my goal, and for a while, I was really happy with myself. It was impossible to maintain though and over a period of years, I gradually put back all that I had lost.

By this point in my story, you’re either really identifying with what I’ve experienced or you’re thinking I’m crazy. I suspect most of you can relate though because according to some studies, approximately 91% of women are unhappy with their bodies and resort to dieting in an attempt to achieve their ideal body shape. Studies also show that only 5% of women naturally possess the body shape that matches the ideal we see portrayed in the media. It’s interesting to note that even within that lucky 5%, there are many who are struggling right along with the rest of us. Frontiers in Psychiatry released a study of international fashion models which revealed that body image disorder-like symptoms were expressed by 63% of them. It seems even among the most sought-after body types, many have bought into the lie that you can never be too thin. And that study confirms a deeper truth that we need to come to terms with. If you’re looking at a number on the scale or measuring tape to make you feel at peace with your appearance, you’ll never get there. If you manage to reach the self-imposed finish line, you’ll find that it’s been extended…just beyond your reach. It’s a moving target that many of us spend a lifetime trying to hit with no real success. External improvements never seem to truly satisfy. Just ask the myriads of cosmetic surgery veterans who are going back under the knife for “just a little more work.”

Although I’ve been describing my efforts to lose weight or maintain the perfect weight, that was only one aspect of my idolatry. Being thin wasn’t enough. I also had to be put together at all times, with perfect hair, manicured nails and full makeup. I wouldn’t be seen in public any other way. Even with three small children and a fourth on the way, I wouldn’t be caught dead at the bus stop each morning without being fully dressed and looking my best. As the years progressed, a whole new concern began to demand my attention. How was I going to maintain my youthful appearance? I wasn’t satisfied to look my current age – I needed to look at least 10 years younger. How could I keep the wrinkles at bay? Was my wardrobe current with the latest trends, or did it make me look frumpy and out of date? Because I had children later in life, people often assumed I was younger because of my children’s age. I was happy to let them think that and rarely disclosed my true age.

These concerns about my appearance have dominated my thoughts and actions for decades. They’ve kept me from enjoying a lot of delicious food, from getting my hair wet at the beach or the pool, from just throwing on a t-shirt and jeans at the last minute so I can respond quickly to joining in what my family wants to do…from being vulnerable and real with my sisters in Christ who may be struggling with their own self-esteem. In fact, my attitudes have propagated the notion that women are defined by their size and outward appearance and that we are all engaged in a life-long beauty pageant where winning means leaving your competitors feeling utterly defeated.

And what’s more, I have unwittingly set a very poor example for my three daughters. I grew up in a time when we were becoming aware of eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia, so I was very careful to avoid criticizing my girls’ weight or body shape or suggesting that they diet or exercise to lose weight. But what I didn’t realize was that they were learning about body image by watching me and listening to what I said about myself. Though none of it was directed at them, they watched me try diet after diet, talk with my friends about needing to lose weight, and refuse to eat certain things because they were bad, or fattening. They heard me talk about my fat legs and what would happen to me if I ate a whole bowl of pasta and that I needed to lose weight before we went on vacation so that I could enjoy myself. There’s a term for the kind of example I set. It’s called “the ripple effect,” because although each incident seems so small and insignificant, just like dropping a stone in a body of water, those comments or behaviors leave an impact that reaches so much farther – just like the ripples that result from the stone. Studies have shown that girls as young as 5 understand what dieting is and can talk about it knowledgeably because of what they’ve heard from their mothers. They also confirm that girls who hear their moms talk negatively about their own bodies or label foods as good or bad, or observe them engaging in excessive exercise can develop body image issues themselves.

That’s not to say that if your daughter develops body image issues it’s all your fault. They get plenty of negative input from their peers, our culture in general and especially social media. It’s extremely difficult to protect them from the terrible messages about their value in society, but at least we have the opportunity to avoid contributing to it and could possibly demonstrate a more balanced approach.

Even though the people around me may have been unaware of my extreme focus on my outward appearance, it has affected my family, my friends, the women I’ve interacted with and my own self-image. But the most devastating impact has been on my relationship with God. I have known and walked with Him personally through all of it, but I never saw it as the idol it was. I would never have said that I valued my outward appearance above my walk with God, but my behavior and thought life indicated something else. Not only did I devote more time and energy to maintaining and improving my exterior than I did my interior, but I didn’t act in accordance with what I claimed to believe about Him. I said He was the most important thing in my life, but I spent a lot more time worrying about impressing the people around me, than I did about impressing Him. I said I believed every word in the Bible was true and I would base my life on it, but when He said I was “wonderfully made,” I said I had fat thighs, cankles and was too short. Even though Proverbs 31 says, “ Charm can be deceptive and beauty doesn’t last, but a woman who reverences God shall be greatly praised,” my actions showed that I actually valued fading beauty over reverence for God. I was familiar with 1 Peter 3 which warned, “Your adornment must not be merely external – braiding the hair and wearing gold jewelry or putting on dresses, but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.” And yet, I continued to focus on all the externals more than developing my inner spirit – something that God would view as “precious.” Like the Pharisees that Jesus spoke of so harshly, I worried about the outside of the cup, making sure it was clean and shiny, while the inside, which is what really matters, was hardly as well cared for.

These realizations have taken some time and a lot of self-reflection. I’ve confessed my failures and asked His forgiveness, but making the necessary changes is a daunting prospect. How do I change the way I’ve been thinking and talking about myself for decades? How do I find the balance between being healthy and being obsessed? How do I present myself to the world in a way that will bring glory to God instead of me? It will take much more time to answer these questions and to learn new ways of thinking and acting. Such deeply ingrained habits will not change overnight, but I’m committed to beginning the journey and allowing God to transform me in these areas as He sees fit.

If you see yourself in any of this, I challenge you to consider beginning this journey too. By simply googling Christian body image blogs or podcasts, you’ll find a wealth of helpful information, spiritual guidance and support. And I would like to continue to share what God is teaching me through this process in future podcasts.

God made it clear when He gave the Law to Moses that we should place nothing above Him. Most of us have no issues with being tempted to worship another god, but good and necessary things like taking care of ourselves, our children or loved ones or building a career can easily find their way to the thrones of our hearts where only He belongs.

Thanks for listening to Women World Leaders podcast! Join us each week as we explore together God’s extravagant love and your courageous purpose. Visit our website at www.womenworldleaders.com to submit a prayer request, register for an upcoming event, and support the ministry. From His heart to yours, we are Women World Leaders . All content is copyrighted by Women World Leaders and cannot be used without written consent.