TCL073 - Can I coach a friend or family member?

The Coaching Leader - by IntelliCoach

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Here comes a question that I get asked in almost every coach training course after a while: 'Can I coach my friends and family members, too?' To this, I can answer with a qualified YES (that means it works, with certain conditions met!). In this episode, I will share with you what you need to get right when coaching families and friends. I will also share my own good and bad experience!

A few years ago, on the way home from work, I sat with my wife in the car. She told me about a tough day and I asked her "what could you do differently?". To which she responded "Don't coach me. All I need from you is that you listen!"

Ouch!

It was a painful AND helpful sting at that time.

Why did that happen?

Well, my wife and I have a certain developed communication style. When I suddenly came with this question, it sounded 'off'. And this is a general truth: people notice when you communicate differently, especially family members and friends who know us well.

The effect can be quite damaging: when people close to you notice your different communication style, they wonder whether they did something wrong. They wonder about your agenda. They may even feel manipulated. Overall, people feel that something is done TO them.

And that is the very ANTIthesis of a partnering, coaching approach.

'Introducing' coaching like this specifically works against two fundamental propertiers.

Professional coaching is (1) explicit and (2) intentional.

Explicit

This means that it is absolutely clear to both parties that they are in a coaching conversation and that they agreed to it. This helps the coachee to accept that the other party now becomes a partner of a different kind...someone who uses inquiry, sharp observations, less advice and solutions.

Intentional

For the coaching process to work, the conversation itself must have an agreed goal to it. This is hard to accomplish by 'sneaking in' coaching. We don't say to a friend in a cafe "hey, we have 45min here today. Would be a great outcome for you from this conversation today?" Awkward!

Both of these properties of professional are so alien to typical, day-by-day conversations that it's impossible to sneak them in without raising eyebrows. So just don't even try. You will end up breaking trust as you had no permission to do this.

What can you do instead?

Make an explicit offer for a coaching moment.

Ask for example: "alright, sounds like real trouble. I wonder if you are open to trying something. I have learned to coach at work and I wonder whether this could help here. Do you want to try for 10 min, for me to wear my coaching hat?"

By doing this, we make clear that our conversation enters into something 'special'. We also make a dedicated effort to invite our partner to bring their best effort.
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