Reframing Accountability

Life by Design

Hosts Jessilyn and Brian Persson address the topic of accountability and how to reframe it so it doesn’t sound as threatening as we think it is. They define accountability and relate its importance to being responsible. In a relationship, accountability goes both ways, each partner must be accountable for their end of agreements they’ve not maintained. But in saying that, Jessilyn and Brian also explain why holding someone to account means also holding yourself to account.

The garbage story, Jessilyn and Brian’s “infamous” garbage story is used to demonstrate accountability. Jessilyn held Brian accountable for not taking out the garbage, but, upon reflection, realized that no structure or agreement had ever been put into place around the garbage. Through this example, they explain how accountability should be reframed as an examination of where communication failed and not as one person swinging an accountability stick at the other. They dig deep into reframing accountability so it becomes more accessible, less of a threat, and a very important part of defining a balanced and healthy relationship.

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Transcript

Jessilyn Persson: [00:00:09] Welcome to the Life by Design podcast with your hosts, Jessilyn and Brian Persson. We work with professional couples to help resolve conflicts and elevate communication within their relationship.

Brian Persson: [00:00:19] We are the creators of the Discover Define Design framework, which supports you in resolving conflict and communicating better.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:00:27] This week our topic is on accountability. Ooh, that's a word that can give you shivers. When you hear the word accountability, how does that make you feel?

Brian Persson: [00:00:37] Yeah, I think for most people it makes them feel maybe threatened, maybe a little bit accused, probably a little bit cornered, like, oh my God, I'm gonna get in trouble for something is generally, I think, how most people feel.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:00:51] Yeah, it invokes that, Oh, crap, what did I do now or what do I have to do kind of concept.

Brian Persson: [00:00:57] Yeah. Especially in a relationship, you know, it's like, oh my, oh my god, what's my partner, what's my what's my husband, my wife getting me in trouble for again?

Jessilyn Persson: [00:01:04] Yeah. What did I do this time? So what is accountability.

Brian Persson: [00:01:08] Accountability? Accountability is basically just to be answerable or liable for something that happened. So just some type of structure that says, hey, if something happens and it goes A or B way, then here are A or B responses for that.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:01:25] Fair enough. So why is accountability important?

Brian Persson: [00:01:29] Because if you are not accountable then you have no reason to be responsible.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:01:34] Fair enough. And responsibility is a lot of work.

Brian Persson: [00:01:39] Yeah, it can be. Yeah. There's also a lot of power, though, in responsibility.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:01:45] Absolutely. So how does it work?

Brian Persson: [00:01:47] Well, we talk a lot about agreements and that's all really accountability is, it's an agreement that, and in the context of a relationship, that you and your partner have put in place that says, if I do X, Y is the response. If I do A, B is the response. At its core, it's basically just an agreement.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:02:11] Right. So breaking that down a little bit, I think one of the first things we want to cover off here is understanding the impact of your actions when it comes to accountability. So being aware of what the impact of accountability can have on someone.

Brian Persson: [00:02:27] And that goes back to what we, kind of what we joked about at the beginning, where accountability can really make you have an icky feeling because, you know, who really wants to be accountable for something. You know why do I want to know that I did something wrong, if that's what you're being held to account for? And I think a lot of people, like we said, feel threatened, feel accused, feel maybe cornered when they when they get accountable or when they're taken to account, I should say. And so one of the things that can make you more accountable, instead of feeling threatened, is actually just to acknowledge the impact of what you did. So who did you affect? What did you do? How did it kind of go out into the world and change things if you weren't responsible for something and you ended up having to be accountable? So yeah, it's kind of like, what is it like to be on the receiving end of you, is sort of what it means to be accountable for your actions and to acknowledge the impact of your actions.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:03:43] So if I was to rephrase what you're saying there, if I was holding you accountable for something, what I should do before that is kind of reflect on, okay, if that was me having to be accountable for what I'm asking, what does that look like, feel like? Is it realistic? What's it going to invoke? What kind of pressure is it going to put on you? And just try to understand as many angles as I can before having maybe the expectation of the accountability.

Brian Persson: [00:04:18] Yeah, yeah, there's two ways to it. There's the person who's trying to hold the other person accountable to something and that can feel to the person being accountable, like they're kind of getting beat with an accountability stick. So you do, the person who is holding the person to account needs to be very, very aware of why they're holding that person to account and perhaps what they're feeling about being accountable. And then on the flip side, when someone is coming to you and holding you to account for someone, for something, then you equally have to say, okay, well, if I'm being held to account on this situation or this problem, what is the impact of what I did? Like why am I, why is someone coming to me, specifically my partner, coming to me and saying, you need to be held to account on such and such. You really got to think about like what the impact of your actions actually were. And if you can't, if you can get to that point of actually understanding your impact, then you will equally be able to be more accountable in the future.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:05:34] Right.

Brian Persson: [00:05:34] So one of the situations that we bring up a lot is very relatable. And it's the garbage.

Jessilyn Persson: [...