Mastering the Power of Agreements Part 1

Life by Design

Hosts Jessilyn and Brian Persson introduce the topic of agreements in this episode. Agreements, as defined by Jessilyn and Brian, are a negotiated course of action in relationships and they should cover any major decisions made by you and your partner. They are a key tool in aiding communication and avoiding conflict.

The three main points that Jessilyn and Brian lay out in Part 1 of their talk on agreements are 1) have an agreement for all major decisions, 2) have an agreement for who is responsible for what decisions, and 3) have an agreement on when and how to communicate. They give detailed examples of how each point works in their own relationship to aid in communication and ease in negotiating household and business demands. Agreements, however, shouldn’t become set in stone so that they begin to affect the partnership negatively. Jessilyn and Brian also talk about flexibility and returning to their Discover Define Design framework to ensure agreements continue to serve your relationship as they were intended to.

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Transcript

Jessilyn Persson: [00:00:09] Welcome to the Life by Design podcast with your hosts, Jessilyn and Brian Persson. We work with professional couples to help resolve conflict and elevate communication within their relationship.

Brian Persson: [00:00:18] We are the creators of the Discover Define Design Framework, which supports you in resolving conflict and communicating better.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:00:26] This week our topic is on agreements. This is part one of two series. So, agreements. Brian, what are agreements?

Brian Persson: [00:00:35] Yeah, agreements are a negotiated course of action. In our case, we're talking about relationships. So it is negotiated between a partner and a spouse. And to give you a quick example of like an agreement that we've created, it is with driving. With driving, it has to do with you driving in the city because you have motion sickness if I drive, um, not because I'm a crazy driver, but because you just react and I drive on the highways for all the long vacations and trips that we go on. That's a typical agreement that we've come into within our relationship.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:01:14] Yeah. One of many agreements. So in terms of agreements, I mean, there should definitely be an agreement for any major decisions you and your partner are having, right? Like buying a house or a car. Where are you going to go on vacation, if you plan on changing jobs or starting a company, starting a family is a huge discussion you should have. Is that, would you agree with that?

Brian Persson: [00:01:34] Yeah. Agreements are huge. They literally come into every part of your life everywhere you can imagine, you will find agreements. And the better that you can get at discovering those agreements, defining what they are, and then as our structure goes, Discover Define and Design, and design the new agreement, the better your relationship will get. Because once you have an agreement in place, there's no more unknowns. So whether it's a big decision or a little decision, agreements will always come to your rescue and save your relationship from any kind of conflict you might have.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:02:15] Yeah, I definitely agree with that. And I know, of course, in our earlier years, we didn't always have what we'd call a formal agreement, but we did have some agreements. So for example, when we decided to buy our family home, I mean, we live in Alberta, which can be very cold and I don't like the cold, but I knew when we discussed that because your family is close, we want to stay close here, plus we both had really good jobs. So what I agreed to or made you agree to, I should say, is that I wanted a fireplace and a heated garage with our new home.

Brian Persson: [00:02:48] Yeah. You did not want to get into any kind of cold car and and have to start it up. You didn't even want me to start up your car and...

Jessilyn Persson: [00:02:56] No.

Brian Persson: [00:02:56] And have it warmed up.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:02:57] I wanted a guaranteed warm car when I got in it. And then as we were looking at houses, this was an agreement we put up front, and I didn't know until we were looking at them. And there's a few houses I really liked. And as soon as we looked at the backyard, there was like no trees or maybe it was a new under construction and you're like, nope, I want trees for privacy. And now, I mean, obviously the house we bought had that. And I have a huge appreciation for what trees bring in terms of privacy. I mean, back then I would have just went with a house I loved, whether it had trees or not, but that was an agreement that kind of rolled in as we looked at houses. It wasn't up front. I mean, since we've come up with Discover Define Design, I think now knowing what we know, we would go forward with any decision and do, like we say, Discover Define and Design it all up front so we know what we're looking for on the onset.

Brian Persson: [00:03:49] Right. And really good point there or a really good insight to that is a lot of relationships, and ours was in the past very rigid on the agreements. So once you made an agreement, it was almost like it was set in stone and it couldn't change. For the house, we came up with an initial set of parameters for what the agreement was on what we were looking for in a house, but as you said, you know, new information came into the system and the agreement had to change. I found with us, and I find with other relationships that we observe, there's like a rigidness to an agreement. So we had to get a lot better at creating agreements that had some flexibility.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:04:37] Absolutely. So why do we need agreements?

Brian Persson: [00:04:41] Well, without agreements you really got nothing to go on. Think about anything that you do without an agreement. Like imagine if every time you got into the car and you were annoyed that you had to drive because you were motion sick, right? Like there was no agreement around who was supposed to drive and why you drove in the city and I drove in the highway. You would make assumptions on that particular action all the time.

Jessilyn Persson: [00:05:09] I think we make assumptions and fall into kind of default agreements as we grow as a couple, as anyone grows as a couple. Like, so we have agreements obviously for major decisions, but we also have agreements for who is responsible for what decisions.

Brian Persson: [00:05:25] Yeah. Household things that you do around the house, business things, paying the bills, who manages what money. We really have an agreement for al...