What I've Learnt - Tammy Casselson

WHAT I'VE LEARNT

Tammy Casseslon was just 15 years old when she first saw him from across the room. They smiled at one another, and that was it. She was smitten.

"He was 17. Charming, funny, very good looking and looked at me like I was special," says Tammy.

Their relationship began with laughter, love and lightness. "He was so proud of me and showered me with adoration. I loved being loved. I loved how funny he was. I thought we were building a very strong foundation of trust."

The pair became fully enmeshed in each other’s lives and families.

"He wooed my family with his magnetic character and his wicked sense of humour. They fell in love with him."

Looking back now, Tammy says the behaviour screams of 'love bombing'. At the time, it just felt like love. The couple built a life together, they had two children - a pigeon pair. They were the picture perfect family - well educated, good jobs, attractive. But behind closed doors, the picture looked a little different.

Watch: Can You Spot The Red Flags Of Domestic Violence? Post continues after the video.

Coercive control is so insidious, so sly. It creeps up in a way that it’s almost impossible to notice," shares Tammy.

It started with the occasional joke or jibe at Tammy’s expense, tiny little comments that made Tammy wonder if she heard right, made her question if she misunderstood.

"What I only realised later was that he was always in control. We started saving money together before we were ever married. I had no access and never even questioned it. I trusted him completely, naively," says Tammy.

After they got married and Tammy began to make independent decisions, discovering a need to explore her own purpose, things escalated.

"It began with jokes at my expense and subtle, almost like under your breath insults, and later there were long periods of controlled calm, then bursts of extreme anger and yelling, including threats and very cruel comments.

"When I stepped out of his rules, he started saying unacceptably disgusting things." Then the physical threats of violence started.

"Threats of violence against myself and our children and himself. Pretending to punch me to within a millimetre of my face, using looks to control and threaten me, smashing things."

A picture perfect couple

Despite the prolific gaslighting, the verbal abuse, the emotional and financial abuse, the isolation and the physical threats, to the outside world, they were the perfect family.

My ex-partner painted a picture and I went along with it. Until the very end I would not have labelled it abuse. I did not understand the enormity of all we were going through and had been through."

Tammy grew up in a comfortable middle-upper-class suburb of South Africa before moving to Australia. Her childhood was carefree, happy, protected. She was well educated, had lots of friends, a close family and a large extended family.

"I have an educational background in commerce, psychology, education, counselling, and teaching. When people think of a typical abuse victim, I wouldn’t come to mind, however there are many like me out there.

"It can happen to anyone, from any background, no religion is exempt, no education makes you exe

Deborah's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/what.ive.learnt/
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Apple Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/what-ive-learnt/id153556330
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