The Hidden Cost of Being Too Nice: Why People-Pleasing is Silently Killing Your Success | Scott Barry Kaufman : 1261

The Human Upgrade with Dave Asprey

You hold the door open. You say yes when you mean no. You put others first—always. It feels like the right thing to do… but is it costing you more than you realize?

In this episode, Scott Barry Kaufman, Ph.D.—Columbia professor, psychologist, and author of Rise Above—joins Dave Asprey to expose the psychology of victim vs. empowerment mindsets. He reveals how toxic altruism, external validation, and emotional fragility keep people stuck—and how you can reclaim your confidence, set boundaries, and create a life of true growth.

Dr. Kaufman, one of the world’s most cited scientists, shares cutting-edge research on self-actualization, resilience, and the hidden mental loops that shape your success. If you’ve ever felt stuck in self-doubt, drained from over-giving, or afraid to take up space, this conversation will help you break free.

What You’ll Discover in This Episode:

• Victim vs. empowerment mindset—the key shift that changes everything

• The psychological traps of toxic altruism—and why over-giving holds you back

• How people-pleasing rewires your brain—and how to break the cycle

• The science of self-actualization—how to unlock your full potential without guilt

• Why modern culture and social media reward emotional fragility—and how to rise above it

• The neuroscience behind confidence, resilience, and making better choices for YOUR growth

If you’ve ever felt stuck, undervalued, or drained from always being “nice”, this episode will show you how to step into your power, rewrite your mental programming, and take control of your future.

SPONSORS

-Quantum Upgrade | Go to https://quantumupgrade.io/Dave for a free trial.

-Timeline | Head to https://www.timeline.com/dave to get 10% off your first order.

Resources:

• A Day of Biohacking and Consciousness Event: https://daveasprey.com/biohacking-and-consciousness/

• Dave Asprey’s New Book - Heavily Meditated: https://daveasprey.com/heavily-meditated/

• Scott’s Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/scottbarrykaufman/?hl=en

• Scott's New Book – Rise Above:https://scottbarrykaufman.com/books/rise-above/

• Danger Coffee: https://dangercoffee.com

• Dave Asprey’s Website: https://daveasprey.com

• Dave Asprey’s Linktree: https://linktr.ee/daveasprey

• Upgrade Collective – Join The Human Upgrade Podcast Live: https://www.ourupgradecollective.com

• Own an Upgrade Labs: https://ownanupgradelabs.com

• Upgrade Labs: https://upgradelabs.com

• 40 Years of Zen – Neurofeedback Training for Advanced Cognitive Enhancement: https://40yearsofzen.com

Timestamps:

• 00:00 Trailer

• 00:44 Intro

• 02:02 Rise Above – Scott’s New Book

• 03:13 Triggers and Mind Control

• 05:12 Victimhood and Self-Actualization

• 12:01 Curiosity Over Fear

• 16:32 The Power of Discernment

• 26:32 Emotional Resilience Today

• 31:12 The Fragility of Younger Generations

• 37:33 Social Pressures and Identity

• 39:47 Social Media and Self-Determination

• 40:35 Community and Belonging

• 42:42 Activating Happiness and Growth

• 44:43 Gratitude and Daily Practices

• 51:48 Healthy Selfishness vs. Altruism

• 58:56 Codependency and Vulnerable Narcissism

• 01:04:57 The Dark Triad and Personality Types

• 01:09:14 Final Thoughts and Book Recs

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