62 Unmet Attachment Needs and Unmet Integrity Needs

Interior Integration for Catholics

1. Intro: This is Interior Integration for Catholics, it's great that you can join us, and today we are wrestling with the deep attachment needs and the deep integrity needs that Catholic spouses have.
   1. In this life, we all have deep attachment needs and deep integrity needs
   2. We all struggle with deep attachment needs and deep integrity needs -- whether we realize it or not.
   3. And some of those needs are unmet. They cause us difficulties and suffering and tension in our important relationships
   4. Those unmet needs are part of being human in our fallen world.
   5. How we choose to handle those attachment needs and integrity needs really determines how well our close relationships, especially our marriages go.
      1. How the husband chooses to address his attachment needs and integrity needs will have a huge impact on his relationship with his wife
      2. How the wife chooses to address her attachment needs and her integrity needs will have a huge impact on her relationship with her husband.
   6. Meeting these attachment needs and integrity needs well is foundational, essential for you to have a psychologically sound, a solid marriage relationship.
   7. Today, in episode 62 of Interior Integration for Catholics, released on April 5, 2021, the sixth in our subseries on sexuality in Catholic marriages
      
      1. And it is titled: Unmet Attachment Needs, Unmet Integrity Needs
   8. 
      
      1. we won't just lay out all the definitions of our terms
         
         1. what are attachment needs, Dr. Peter?
      2. 
         
         1. What are integrity needs?
      3. 
         
   9. 
      
      1. We're not just going to discuss how these needs impact the rest of the marriage relationship
   10. 1. We're not just going to explore how sex in the Catholic marriage bed is impacted by these needs and our responses to them
   11. 1. No, wait, there's much more
   12. 1. We're going to also dive into how do you engage with these needs constructively -- how do we start on a course of action to really meet these needs. So stay with me until the end and you will get really specific recommendations for setting up a personalized program to have your personal set of attachment needs and integrity needs met.
   13. 
       
       1. This is such an important area that we are going to spend some time on it, more than just this one podcast.
   15. I am Catholic psychologist Peter Malinoski, and I am bringing my 20 years of experience in the clinical trenches with real Catholics with real problems to bear on this question of attachment needs and integrity needs in this episode for you.
   16. This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach -- check us out at soulsandhearts.com
       
       1. Souls and Hearts is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor.
2. Brief Review
   1. Each episode stand on its own, no need to review if you don't want to, if you're just jumping in here that's great
   2. I do review from time to time because reviewing helps with spiral learning, with retaining things
   3. And because this podcast is programmatic, episodes build on each other, we're not just doing little isolated soundbites of information, odd, assorted nuggets.
   4. This is meant to be a program in your Catholic human formation to help you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony in the natural realm
   5. So let's do a quick rewind here, just to catch you all up to date:
   6. [Insert review/rewind sound effect]
   7. I introduced the model of a Catholic Canopied Marriage Bed to represent the sexual life of a married Catholic couple in Episode 58.
   8. The Catholic Canopied Married Bed has these interrelated parts
      
      1. The floor -- A deep abiding trust in the Presence of God and His Providence -- we started here in episode 59
   9. 1. The four legs -- these four supports hold up the Catholic marriage bed.
         1. Leg 4. Internal Family Systems Approaches to understanding myself and my spouse
            
            1. Covered this conceptually in episodes 60 and again with a story of a Catholic couples' problems in a sexual relationship in episode 61.
         3. Leg 3. Understanding my own and my spouse's attachment needs and integrity needs -- this is what we are focus on today.
            
            1. In Episode 57 we discussed how the one main psychological reason why Catholic marriages fail is our response and reactions to deep unmet needs
         5. Leg 2. the wife's commitment to her own interior integration, her own human formation
         6. Leg 1. the husband's commitment to his own interior integration and his own human formation
   10. 
       
       1. The frame and the box spring -- the firm, unwavering commitment of the husband his marriage vows and the wife to her marriage vows -- separately. Independently
   11. 1. The mattress Empathetic attunement
   12. 1. Two pillows: Self-acceptance and Spouse-acceptance
   13. 
       
       1. Bottom Sheet, the fitted sheet: sexual attraction, the intensity of sexual passion -- the eros
   14. 1. Top Sheet: Communication between the spouses
   15. 1. The blankets: human warmth, emotional connection
   16. 1. Four Bedposts
          1. Mindset
          2. Heartset
          3. Bodyset
          4. Soulset
   17. 
       
       1. The canopy and the curtains -- to protect privacy and propriety or to hide dysfunction, exploitation, even abuse.
   18. 
       
       1. The sham, the bedspread, and the bedskirt -- Used to cover up the real bed, give an impression of the state of married life to the world.
   19. 
       
       1. All of these elements work together. Dynamic model, which can change over time.
   20. 
       
3. The Windup / the Hurdle -- What is our situation here?
   
   1. [Definition time sound effect]: Definitions: We all have attachment needs and we all have integrity needs
      
      1. Hard to find good summaries of these needs, hard to find good definitions, so here are my definitions.
   2. 1. Attachment needs = The needs that a child has for a deep and enduring emotional and relational bond with a caregiver, usually a parent, who provides a felt sense of closeness, security, understanding, reassurance in times of trouble, for affection and warmth, and a sense that someone really is looking out for my best interests.
   3. 
      
      1. Integrity needs -- drawing from self-psychology here, Heinz Kohut = The needs a child has for a sense of identity has the following features:
         
         1. A separate existence from others -- I exist in my own right, a separate person
      2. 1. Is bounded, has boundaries
      3. 1. is stable over time and across different situations
      4. 1. Self is regulated
      5. 1. Is integrated -- coherent interconnections inside between aspects of experience -- self-cohesion
      6. 1. Is active, with agency, can effectively function in the world